Tear Management
Every time she cries will be painful. During the subsequent conversation, you will have to abandon all problem solving skills. They will only make things worse. Be calm. Listen. Don't go silent. Share what you're experiencing. Avoid defensiveness.Root Cause Analysis
Initially, you will note the problem behavior, commit to not repeating it, and consider the problem solved. This will not work. If you did something carelessly hurtful once, it'll happen again. The solution is not to try to be vigilant about your behavior. That would work if the problem was the behavior. The problem is that your girlfriend doesn't feel loved. You can get away with as many thoughtless actions as you want, as long as they are counter-balanced by many other actions that demonstrate your love.The Equation
words-of-affirmation x quality-time x gifts x acts-of-service x physical-touch = how much your girlfriend feels loved
In the equation above, a zero for any of the actions will result in a total of zero--due to the multiplication. Consequently, don't focus on scoring high on any particular action--focus on covering all of them. For example, if you write her a love note, but don't spend any quality time with her, you're still at zero.
There is an important element that is not part of the equation--time. There is a fast decay rate for all of the actions in the equation--faster than you think. You may think you could demonstrate your love by buying expensive gifts. When you buy an expensive gift, you will feel like you have paid a large deposit into the relationship account. This is the wrong way to think about gifts. It is better to give inexpensive gifts frequently than expensive gifts infrequently.
Tips
- Ask friends, family--and random strangers--for advice
- Cook for her
- Give her a massage
- Read to her
- Listening tip: if you have a great piece of advice that you MUST tell her, say nothing
- Demonstrate she is special by making exceptions. For example, on her birthday, let her pick a romantic comedy to watch, even though you can't stand them.
- Sketch a stick figure drawing during dinner with friends, and pass it to her
- Buy flowers
- Turn off all devices
- Don't talk about yourself--on her birthday
- Ask "How was your day?"--every day
- Acknowledge when she makes an effort to look good
Is it Worth It?
When I'm with my computer, or with my software development friends, I learn, I teach. I share many exciting and useful ideas. I live in my head.When I'm with my girlfriend, I am human, I share warmth, I celebrate the moment. I am present.
Credits
- I got the idea of balancing "good" deeds against "bad" from my brother, Adrian.
- I got the actions in the equation from Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages.